Ashamnu - We have trespassed
Before I knew God, I didn't TRY to do evil as much as I would indirectly do wrong. I was so caught up in my own spiritual and emotional pain that I couldn't see how my thrashing hurt others.
Instead of going to God with my grief, I denied it, fermenting it into a spiritual poison that I spewed on others. Rather than going to God with my fear, I lied about being afraid. I lived that lie with a false front of anger, ignoring the fact that it hurt people I claimed to love, and strangers that hadn't done me any wrong. I tried to justify what really amounted to an adult tantrum by blaming others. I also refused to take responsibility for my emotions, saying, "You made me mad, sad, etc.." I lived to judge others by their actions, but demanded they instead judge me based on my intentions.
Today, the world still hurts sometimes, but Yeshua is teaching me better ways to respond, not act out. I have two children, and when they've been hurt by iniquity, there's NO justification that instantly cures their pain… or mine. Sometimes, I remember the hurts I've done to God, slighting his other children. I want so badly to do things right, moving forward, but worry that I am going to make mistakes! Yeshua reminds me that he already paid for ALL those mistakes, one stripe at a time, & offers to help me learn and grow from them.
Abba Father, the One who loves me, even when I step outside the boundaries
of Your Torah and Your love, thank You for delivering me out of fruitless and
destructive seasons of my life. Thank You for hearing my cries, even when I
didn’t know I was crying out to You or that any one could even hear me. I ask
You to redeem the consequences of my actions for Your glory, in my life and the
lives of those I have hurt, purposefully or inadvertently. I firmly cling to
faithfulness to Your promise that You will finish the good work in me that You
have already begun.